lately...

i've been away for so long that i don't even know where to start
maybe it's good for me to be doing this
to get things out
to share

instead of holding everything in
till it overwhelms me

i'm easily overwhelmed lately
easily tired

was so happy when i found out about the baby
i felt connected with my husband
felt there was a purpose for my life

was so sad when we lost the baby
12 week ultrasound
no more baby

but i know the baby is with God

i've been finding it really hard to teach this year
my heart isn't in it

time for yoga?

i love my husband
i love my family
i love my house

i have a great relationship with my stepdaughters
i have a job i enjoy
with a class i could only dream of
my principal is an exceptional boss

i've made friends at work
and even better friends outside

so why am i so angry?
why does the slightest thing set me off?

i've gained weight
i don't feel comfortable in my own skin
i miss home
i don't see my family
i don't see my friends
i'm cold and miserable in this city
my face is dry
my hands are cracked
my pants are dirty from all the mud and snow
i don't know how to drive in the snow
i have far less independence

true

there are many inconveniences

but

why so angry?

i don't like who i've become
i need to pray more
move more
do more
love more
eat less

i hate being this angry
i hate giving into the anger
i need to learn how to relax
how to let go
how to be detached

tests

it's been a really tough day.

sacrifice....

sometimes you have to make difficult decisions.
sometimes you have to do something you don't want to do.
but you have to think of the greater good.

i have had to make sacrifices to be here.
i'm ok with that.
(although some days are easier than others!)

parents

i love my class
smart
fun
energetic
sweet kids
they make me laugh, they make me smile
they inspire me with their ideas
their joy
their eagerness

one of my students struggles
has a hard time with academics
has a hard time with friends
acts tough
he's learning to be thankful
even put something in the compliment box
so touching
i see him moving forward
coming along
small steps
yet huge

gave him his best report card ever

his parents
told him he'd get a motorcycle
for a lot of 'A's
he's always had mostly 'C's and 'D's

crash
went and pushed some kids outside
feel we've moved back months

why?
why?
why?
do parents set their kids up?

know what is attainable for the child
and celebrate those successes

sigh.

being a stepmom is hard too...
now that's a whole other story.

naps

i've been writing report cards
it's crazy
so much to do
so much to assess
i feel the pressure
it's november
don't know the kids fully

just glimpses

what i write will stay forever
they will look back on it in twenty years
mrs.....said....i was....

was sick for a week, missed school
been going to work at 6:15am every morning
for a few weeks

came home friday night at 6:30pm
earlier than usual
time for a quick nap
"hon, please wake me in an hour"
he tried
woke up at 8:30 saturday morning

naps are good.

prison

bills
bills
bills
bills
bills
bills
bills
bills
and more bills.

back...

it's been a long time
busy. always busy.

i don't know with what really
new house and started a new job
busy with those things, yes

but my mind is busy
i feel heavy with worry too

i need some time to reconnect with my husband
and with myself

still longing to paint

so i am blogging again
for me

grrrrr!

was getting ready for dinner at someone's home
my grandmother's cousin
much older couple

needed to look dignified
well dressed
groomed

tried on my nice black pants
too tight

why does getting married make you gain weight
he says i look beautiful
can't see a difference

i feel a difference
i see a difference

sad
angry
depressed
fat fat fat
i hate it
don't look at my chubbies
don't touch my chubbies

i want to hide
from the world
how did this happen?
i know
i ate too much
i moved too little

came to a new city
no job
freezing damn cold and snowy all the time
-30
-40
"oh it's so warm it's 0 degrees!" (all celsius)

people out in shorts at 0
me - at home trying to stay warm

now i just feel horrible
and ugly

a thousand words

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

thanks heidikins for the idea!

skull'n'bones

being a stepmom to an 8 and 11 year old is new to me
one thing that has surprised me is how fast their feet grow!

having never really frequented the lower end shoe stores
(i'm very much a snob with my shoes!)
i decided i needed to look for the girls

came out with something for me instead
skull'n'bones
'cause every girl needs to feel tough
while looking cute

i love love love them
i want these next
at that price, why not?
it's double the price here in canada, but that's still nothing!
expendable footwear for spring and summer

i almost lost them
while in the store i left them with my husband
went looking for shoes for the kids
came back both husband and shoes - gone
he was wandering
some lady took my shoes
last pair of size 8
the customer service lady told her i wanted them
tried to explain
the lady was angry
she wanted them
i couldn't blame her
finally she relented

i am happy

running in circles

it's been too long
i feel unsettled
disconnected from myself
it's been so busy, the last three weeks
no time to think
spring break
guests sleeping over every weekend
the kids here almost every day

i loved it when it was happening
felt grateful to have friends around
snuggled and cuddled with the girls

but now i need a break
i want to paint
read
blog
relax
breathe

time alone
i never needed it when i was younger
now i crave it

a vacation at home
that's what i want

4 lbs of unconditional love

coco will be 4 in may
she's fun, cute and loving
pure affection
licks my tears away
makes me laugh
brings me joy
calms me
is there anything better?

i so need one of these!

"The alarm clock that runs away and hides when you don't wake up. Clocky gives you one chance to get up. But if you snooze, Clocky will jump off of your nightstand and wheel around your room looking for a place to hide. Clocky is kind of like a misbehaving pet, only he will get up at the right time."

blessings

my in-laws left yesterday
they were here for 5 days
5 wonderful days

the girls were elated

we danced to irish music
we celebrated grammy's birthday
we laughed, we bonded

love
support
encouragement

i was very sad when they left
cried
even picked a fight with my husband

felt lonely and depressed
it was the first time i had a sense of family
in my new city
it felt more like home

and then they were gone

it's been a hard transition
being here without any family

love letters

from my 10 year old stepdaughter
the best love letter:

Since this was love at first sight...Cupid got a day off!

I love you. I've loved you ever since I met you. I'll always love you, forever. I think you'll make a positive change in our lives, and I know you will greatly influence everyone you'll ever meet. You are very beautiful and smart and kind. That's what I mean everytime I say I love you or kiss your cheek.
XOXO times 10,000


sniff
sniff