but my alarm didn't go off!

have you ever had that dream?
you know the one where you are running late for an exam
or you realize that you can't actually graduate because of a paper or something

i used to have them once in a while
they increased after i married a prof
i'd dream i was teaching and they'd come into my classroom
and tell me i couldn't teach because i did not, in fact, have my degree

i hadn't passed a course
my paper wasn't good enough
i didn't drop the class in time

it could be a myriad of things

AAAHHH!!

i hated writing papers. HATED it.
all because of him (gosh i sound bitter)

i was pretty good in high school
straight As
hardly studied
coasted through the sciences

got to uni and wanted to know things, have a broad knowledge base
went into the arts
and all of a sudden everything was subjective
they wanted me to write
original ideas
who has an original idea about the mayans at 18??

anyway, i cited everything and everyone
did pretty well
until him

Arrogant Professor

told a class of 3rd year students we wrote like 9th graders
shouldn't be at university, us
he pretty much failed everyone on their papers
people cried, people dropped out
he let you do "optional" papers to help your grade
but chastised you for not doing them
he pulled the rug out from under me

*ahem, excuse me, i believe the proper way to say it would be
i let him pull the rug out from under me (that's right, i can own it)

felt scared, worthless, stupid,
and blocked
couldn't write. couldn't put one sentence after another
longed for math. right and wrong. not write and all is wrong.
he had to make a public apology to our class
(for something else, but still - odd)

i got through it
am i over it?
i still struggle with self-doubt when it comes to writing

I read on a "how-to-blog" site that one should use proper punctuation. One should never talk down to one's audience by using poor grammar and such.

but i just want to write
i worry that i won't have anything to say
i might have the most useless and boring blog out there
but i'm taking writing back for myself
there was a time when it was fun
i enjoyed it
felt good at it

i don't want to use proper paragraphs and punctuation
i just want my words to dance freely on the page
(that sounds really corny)

i guess i just want to be free to express without worrying what other people think
is that so bad?