if only Html was this easy

help! please

i did it!!

i worked on it and, with help managed
to get the template working
(which do you like better, this or the old one?)

but i have a request

if anyone knows how to get a code from flickr
please tell me!

i couldn't do it
i signed up, have an account
but couldn't find a code

the only way i managed to put a picture
was through photobucket

but my alarm didn't go off!

have you ever had that dream?
you know the one where you are running late for an exam
or you realize that you can't actually graduate because of a paper or something

i used to have them once in a while
they increased after i married a prof
i'd dream i was teaching and they'd come into my classroom
and tell me i couldn't teach because i did not, in fact, have my degree

i hadn't passed a course
my paper wasn't good enough
i didn't drop the class in time

it could be a myriad of things

AAAHHH!!

i hated writing papers. HATED it.
all because of him (gosh i sound bitter)

i was pretty good in high school
straight As
hardly studied
coasted through the sciences

got to uni and wanted to know things, have a broad knowledge base
went into the arts
and all of a sudden everything was subjective
they wanted me to write
original ideas
who has an original idea about the mayans at 18??

anyway, i cited everything and everyone
did pretty well
until him

Arrogant Professor

told a class of 3rd year students we wrote like 9th graders
shouldn't be at university, us
he pretty much failed everyone on their papers
people cried, people dropped out
he let you do "optional" papers to help your grade
but chastised you for not doing them
he pulled the rug out from under me

*ahem, excuse me, i believe the proper way to say it would be
i let him pull the rug out from under me (that's right, i can own it)

felt scared, worthless, stupid,
and blocked
couldn't write. couldn't put one sentence after another
longed for math. right and wrong. not write and all is wrong.
he had to make a public apology to our class
(for something else, but still - odd)

i got through it
am i over it?
i still struggle with self-doubt when it comes to writing

I read on a "how-to-blog" site that one should use proper punctuation. One should never talk down to one's audience by using poor grammar and such.

but i just want to write
i worry that i won't have anything to say
i might have the most useless and boring blog out there
but i'm taking writing back for myself
there was a time when it was fun
i enjoyed it
felt good at it

i don't want to use proper paragraphs and punctuation
i just want my words to dance freely on the page
(that sounds really corny)

i guess i just want to be free to express without worrying what other people think
is that so bad?

frustration

today i spent 3 late night hours trying to make my blog look pretty

i found Zoot - she has the most amazing blog designs
she says "everyone deserves a pretty blog"

i want a pretty blog!
i do!
i do!

she has this pretty pink and green one that made me want to dance
a little bit of colour in my otherwise taupe world

everything is neutral in my house
as a teacher i'm surrounded by colour - often primary colours
so when i come home i want something
calm
soothing
relaxing
but i'm not teaching right now

and i want colour
i want fun

but the blog gods are conspiring against me
they use my lack of computer savvy to mock me
they show me beauty, fun, happiness
make it free (notice reference to no job a few sentences up)
and then won't let me have it

is this a lesson in detachment?
i don't know

you should check out her site maybe you'll have more luck

traffic

i was strolling through blogger
it's amazing what is out there
i was baffled by some
awed by others
and disturbed by a few

i found one that made me laugh
a lot
a girl in kansas with a good sense of humour

i found out some people make a business out of their blogs
i don't want that but i do want people to read it

so my husband, in all his infinite wisdom, suggested
i post words like ass and breasts,
but that's not really the kind of people i want visiting me

i guess i just have a little more research to do

anonymity

i tried writing in a diary
many times
it was always so permanent - pen to paper. period.
always there for someone to find
i was so scared of that - the whole idea was unfathomable
now i'm writing a "diary" that anyone can read
what's happened?
who am i?
it's crazy to pour yourself out for the world to see
all from the comfort of your couch
you never have to step outside your house - your world - your comfort zone
i wanted it to be private
private from people i know
funny
if i don't know you i feel ok with you reading it
if i know you i feel

naked
inhibited
censored
responsible

what do i do?
do i hide my blog under my bed?
do i keep it on the counter?

it's so much
to be open to those you know

confusion

my first attempt at altering the look of the blog

i don't know how to do this
how to change things - add things, remove things

sigh

new beginnings

new marriage
new city
new home
new kids

maybe blogging will help me connect
i've never tried it before
here goes