birthdays

it was snowing the night before my 12th birthday
the morning of, my dad asked me to open the curtains

outside - the biggest, most wonderful birthday card i'd ever seen
happy birthday
written in charcoal
across the white
of our backyard
in two languages

my dad

i close my eyes
i can see it clearly
even now

that was one of many wonderful
beautiful childhood birthdays
loved
treasured
special

it's good to feel that way as a little girl

on my 16th birthday
my uncle drove up from california for a surprise visit
he gave me a diamond necklace

that was one of many wonderful
beautiful birthdays i had in my youth
loved
treasured
special

it's good to feel that way as a teenager

it was my birthday three days ago
i awoke to a beautiful breakfast
prepared for me by my husband

outside - on the snow
across the white
of the field
by our house

happy birthday

i cried

that was one of many wonderful
beautiful moments i've had with my husband
loved
treasured
special

it's good to feel that way as a woman

the box

i hate the box

it's constricting
it's dark
it's hopeless

it means you can't grow
this is who you are and who you will always be
you will always react in a particular way
so i'm going to react - only you haven't done it yet - but i'm going to anticipate your thoughts, feelings and behaviour and shut you down now

only you shut out all opportunities for growth
what's the point then? why should anyone bother to try to do something differently if they are not going to be given the chance

it's not proactive - what's the word for it?

frustrating
limiting
discouraging
breaking

breaks your spirit, knocks you down
then it's harder to get up
i see why some people just give up
why try? instead i'll just save the hassle and live up to your expectations - or rather live down to them
i'll lower my own hopes of doing better and just fall back into old patterns

maybe people like the status quo
they like knowing their role, and everyone else's - don't change it up because they know how to act and how to be
if you grow then they have to as well
that's too hard for some

i'm not perfect
i want to grow
i want to learn
i want to strive
to be better
in every way
every day

sometimes it's the tiniest step, the smallest move forward
but it's still something

isn't that the purpose of life?
to grow and develop

how can anyone if they are boxed in?

anonymity

i tried writing in a diary
many times
it was always so permanent - pen to paper. period.
always there for someone to find
i was so scared of that - the whole idea was unfathomable
now i'm writing a "diary" that anyone can read
what's happened?
who am i?
it's crazy to pour yourself out for the world to see
all from the comfort of your couch
you never have to step outside your house - your world - your comfort zone
i wanted it to be private
private from people i know
funny
if i don't know you i feel ok with you reading it
if i know you i feel

naked
inhibited
censored
responsible

what do i do?
do i hide my blog under my bed?
do i keep it on the counter?

it's so much
to be open to those you know

now

hard

alone

too much
clean
prepare
cook

hair
clothes
showers
lunch
crumbs
dishes
discipline

c'est moi
alone

she has plans
he has work
i have...

confusion

my first attempt at altering the look of the blog

i don't know how to do this
how to change things - add things, remove things

sigh

new beginnings

new marriage
new city
new home
new kids

maybe blogging will help me connect
i've never tried it before
here goes