4 lbs of unconditional love

coco will be 4 in may
she's fun, cute and loving
pure affection
licks my tears away
makes me laugh
brings me joy
calms me
is there anything better?

i so need one of these!

"The alarm clock that runs away and hides when you don't wake up. Clocky gives you one chance to get up. But if you snooze, Clocky will jump off of your nightstand and wheel around your room looking for a place to hide. Clocky is kind of like a misbehaving pet, only he will get up at the right time."

blessings

my in-laws left yesterday
they were here for 5 days
5 wonderful days

the girls were elated

we danced to irish music
we celebrated grammy's birthday
we laughed, we bonded

love
support
encouragement

i was very sad when they left
cried
even picked a fight with my husband

felt lonely and depressed
it was the first time i had a sense of family
in my new city
it felt more like home

and then they were gone

it's been a hard transition
being here without any family

love letters

from my 10 year old stepdaughter
the best love letter:

Since this was love at first sight...Cupid got a day off!

I love you. I've loved you ever since I met you. I'll always love you, forever. I think you'll make a positive change in our lives, and I know you will greatly influence everyone you'll ever meet. You are very beautiful and smart and kind. That's what I mean everytime I say I love you or kiss your cheek.
XOXO times 10,000


sniff
sniff

perfection

our house is clean
all of it

everyone chipped in
organized, dusted, vacuumed
but more importantly
the dishes are done (no dishwasher, ahh!)
the laundry is done
every load, finished, folded and put away

it's all done
all of it
am i dreaming?
i can't believe it

it seems i'm never caught up
so now what i really want
is to never wear a different article of clothing again
i just want everything to stay the way it is

clean
done
perfect

what would be so wrong with just wearing
the same clothes over and over again
and just eating out

then i wouldn't have to mess anything up (or clean it!)

it's ridiculous, i know

i wish i was a jeannie
remember her?
i want to blink and have it all done, all the time
it just seems like it never ends
so when it does
finally
unbelievably
i just want to soak it in
revel in it for a while

then come back to reality

----------pause--------------

speaking of reality
there is one i will never understand
missing socks

you can't imagine how excited i was
that all the socks were clean
and i could pair up the singles

i managed to pair up a few
but was still left with an unbelievable amount remaining

how is that possible?
when every load is done
and the house
completely clean?

somebody tell me!
where do they go?

i just want to throw them out
i've held on to them too long
they just take up room

i've done all i can
i need to let go
i need to dump them
and move on

there is no chance for reconciliation
they are all clean
if not now, then never

but it's hard, isn't it?
the idea that
possibly
maybe
there's a chance, however small, that they'll come back

i don't know
i think i just need to bite the bullet
take the next step
and dump 'em

and if a missing one appears
as in some cruel cosmic joke
i will just dump that one too

see ya
adios
das vadanya
ciao
buh-bye

and good riddance!

if only Html was this easy

help! please

i did it!!

i worked on it and, with help managed
to get the template working
(which do you like better, this or the old one?)

but i have a request

if anyone knows how to get a code from flickr
please tell me!

i couldn't do it
i signed up, have an account
but couldn't find a code

the only way i managed to put a picture
was through photobucket

but my alarm didn't go off!

have you ever had that dream?
you know the one where you are running late for an exam
or you realize that you can't actually graduate because of a paper or something

i used to have them once in a while
they increased after i married a prof
i'd dream i was teaching and they'd come into my classroom
and tell me i couldn't teach because i did not, in fact, have my degree

i hadn't passed a course
my paper wasn't good enough
i didn't drop the class in time

it could be a myriad of things

AAAHHH!!

i hated writing papers. HATED it.
all because of him (gosh i sound bitter)

i was pretty good in high school
straight As
hardly studied
coasted through the sciences

got to uni and wanted to know things, have a broad knowledge base
went into the arts
and all of a sudden everything was subjective
they wanted me to write
original ideas
who has an original idea about the mayans at 18??

anyway, i cited everything and everyone
did pretty well
until him

Arrogant Professor

told a class of 3rd year students we wrote like 9th graders
shouldn't be at university, us
he pretty much failed everyone on their papers
people cried, people dropped out
he let you do "optional" papers to help your grade
but chastised you for not doing them
he pulled the rug out from under me

*ahem, excuse me, i believe the proper way to say it would be
i let him pull the rug out from under me (that's right, i can own it)

felt scared, worthless, stupid,
and blocked
couldn't write. couldn't put one sentence after another
longed for math. right and wrong. not write and all is wrong.
he had to make a public apology to our class
(for something else, but still - odd)

i got through it
am i over it?
i still struggle with self-doubt when it comes to writing

I read on a "how-to-blog" site that one should use proper punctuation. One should never talk down to one's audience by using poor grammar and such.

but i just want to write
i worry that i won't have anything to say
i might have the most useless and boring blog out there
but i'm taking writing back for myself
there was a time when it was fun
i enjoyed it
felt good at it

i don't want to use proper paragraphs and punctuation
i just want my words to dance freely on the page
(that sounds really corny)

i guess i just want to be free to express without worrying what other people think
is that so bad?

frustration

today i spent 3 late night hours trying to make my blog look pretty

i found Zoot - she has the most amazing blog designs
she says "everyone deserves a pretty blog"

i want a pretty blog!
i do!
i do!

she has this pretty pink and green one that made me want to dance
a little bit of colour in my otherwise taupe world

everything is neutral in my house
as a teacher i'm surrounded by colour - often primary colours
so when i come home i want something
calm
soothing
relaxing
but i'm not teaching right now

and i want colour
i want fun

but the blog gods are conspiring against me
they use my lack of computer savvy to mock me
they show me beauty, fun, happiness
make it free (notice reference to no job a few sentences up)
and then won't let me have it

is this a lesson in detachment?
i don't know

you should check out her site maybe you'll have more luck

traffic

i was strolling through blogger
it's amazing what is out there
i was baffled by some
awed by others
and disturbed by a few

i found one that made me laugh
a lot
a girl in kansas with a good sense of humour

i found out some people make a business out of their blogs
i don't want that but i do want people to read it

so my husband, in all his infinite wisdom, suggested
i post words like ass and breasts,
but that's not really the kind of people i want visiting me

i guess i just have a little more research to do

sundaes

it's 1:30am and my husband is sleeping next to me
he has a long day tomorrow
he's very sweet as he sleeps
he's sweet awake too

sometimes i need to pinch myself to make sure i'm not dreaming
how did all this happen
in 9 days it will be a year
what a year - fell in love, married, moved

it's amazing how some things in life come to pass
how some dreams come true
when i was younger i always wanted someone tall, strong, manly,
someone of a different culture so i'd have cute kids,
someone that would make me weak in the knees

when i was a little older and, after much hardship, wiser
i learned that i needed someone sincerely kind, loving, gentle
very patient
someone who was self-reflective and spiritual
someone who i could laugh with - endlessly
someone who would make me want to be a better person
(not make me feel like i should be a better person)

so now i need to pinch myself
again and again and again
because i can't believe that i found someone who has all the things i need

and then to top it all off
the cherry on my delicious
hot fudge (ok, i don't really like cherries on my sundae, but it helps with the visual)
sundae
is that my someone is also tall, strong, manly, culturally different, and makes me weak in the knees!

pinch
pinch
pinch

how often does that happen?

we still have the living together things to iron out
the day to day stuff
learning more about each other, adapting to each other
but through it all
i can't help but wonder what, if anything, i've done to deserve him

he's much better than i am
kinder, gentler, much more patient

one thing is for sure, he does inspire me
just being around him makes me want to be better.